By the time you finished reading this, you’ll realize that you’ve wasted five seconds of your life.

Hearts have often bled from words that have gone unsaid

I listen to “tween” songs because they make sense of my feelings. Anybody got a problem with that?

Dear Heart
I met a boy today.
Prepare to shatter.

Marriage is human right
Not heterosexual privilege.

Always walk towards open doors. And if they slam shut in your face, kick that sucker in and keep going.

Well-behaved women rarely make history

Every girl wants a man who she can run up to in her sweats, hair a mess, make up running down her face, eyes red from crying and the first thing he says to her is “Baby, you’re beautiful” and means it.

Hello, this is your life speaking. You have no idea what you’re doing? Do you?

I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken and who could brighten up your day even when she couldn’t brighten up her own.

Crap happens. But mostly to me, so don’t worry about it.

Sarcasm is your body’s natural defense against stupidity.

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

I’m having another one of those “it seemed like a good idea at the time” moments.

If Tylenol, duct tape, Kleenex or a band-aid can’t fix it, then it’s officially a serious problem

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the doorbell and run! He hates that!

Someone didn’t remember to take their happy pills today!

When life gives you lemons, throw them at mean people and hope it gets them in the eye.

I stopped fighting my inner demons. We’re on the same side now.

Whoever said that you can’t buy happiness forgot about little puppies.

Same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl falls much harder than boy.

I know it all. I just can’t remember it all at once.

I wish I was a glowworm. A glowworm’s never glum. Because how can you be unhappy when the sun shines out your bum?

If the definition of beautiful gets any thinner, no one will fit.

Shut up voices, or I’ll poke you with a Q-tip again.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

The mind is like a parachute, it works best when opened.

Save the Earth! (None of the other planets have chocolate)